Since I achieved my big running goal of finishing a marathon in under 3 hours, my running life has been slowing down enormously. I realized this while talking to my wife Lisa during a relaxed run last week. In the past, the preparation for a marathon was much more intense. Not necessarily in terms of training, but emotionally.
Although I have at least ten marathon training cycles behind me and have run even more marathons, the preparation was always very upsetting.
I always felt that everything was on the line.
Actually a nice incentive, but there was always a certain burden on all the running sessions.
Cognitively, of course, I understood that it's not the individual session that counts, but the big picture. So I definitely could have relaxed more during training, especially when things didn't go "according to plan". I don't mean that I missed a run. It was enough if I didn't do it as planned.
A real overachiever.
"According to plan" is a good keyword. I've often said that I love training plans. They give me structure and stability. They organize and streamline my life. I see nothing but benefits for myself, even if I sometimes get teased about it. But for all the security they give me, preparing for a marathon is typically an emotional rollercoaster. Talking to Lisa, the phrase "between overconfidence and self-doubt" came up.
Overconfidence
Overconfidence always arises when I make noticeable progress in training. How do I measure that? There are two ways. Either I find a previously difficult training session extremely easy, or I complete a training session much faster than expected.
Physiologically, both are the same and for me the magic moment in every training cycle. Almost as great as a good race. All the gears mesh. The body feels different. Resilient, dynamic, full of life and energy. This magic moment usually happens completely unexpectedly from one day to the next. After weeks of working monotonously to a plan.
From this point on, training seems like a triumphant march. Hence, the word "overconfidence". Because at that moment I feel like I can do anything. Really, anything.
Self-Doubt
And what about self-doubt? Self-doubts creep into training at many points. Or rather, they always resonate and emerge when it suits them. They suddenly become visible. Sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes foreseeably. For example, when running feels hard. The body is sluggish, and even an easy workout seems much, much tougher than it should be.
Of course, my mind knows that this is normal. Our life energy runs in curves, and we can't feel equally fit every day. But on an emotional level, there is an immediate feeling of not being enough. Not being strong enough for training. Not making progress when I should. Self-doubt also arises when I don't give 100 percent during a challenging running session. Every so often, it's enough if I'm just 2 seconds slower than the plan says I should be.
Again, I realize that a training plan is only a guide. No coach in the world can predict or calculate what the athlete is really feeling inside. What's more, in most cases the desired training effect is achieved even if you stray a few seconds or meters from the target.
And yet, such deviations can make me question the whole training plan. Strictly speaking, I'm not questioning the training, I'm questioning myself. I assume that I am not "functioning" as I should. Like a defective car, where even the best service centre can't find the problem, despite repeated checks.
Emotional Turmoil on Race Day
At the end of a training cycle, I always take both with me into the big race. The self-doubt and the overconfidence. During the race itself, the two feelings alternate all the time. Just 100 times faster and more intense than during training. Who has the upper hand in the end decides whether it will be a good race or not.
The Confidence-Punk and the Doubt-Head
I'd like to leave you with one last thought. Remember the Levelhead and the Punk? Yes, they are the two hearts in my chest. The two personality profiles that I constantly switch between. While I am writing about "overconfidence and self-doubt", I keep thinking that overconfidence exists in the world of the Punk and self-doubt belongs to the Levelhead. I try to look at and describe both aspects of my personality in a non-judgmental way, though. Because they are. That's why I'm not entirely happy with this categorization of the two feelings. But somehow it's also true.
The Punk doesn't care how a training session goes, he approaches every workout with the same ambition and confidence and runs like there's no tomorrow, even on race day.
The Levelhead wants to understand and measure what happens during training. He only feels fit when the data confirms it. Until this is the case, every run is a potential stumbling block. It's not enough for him to experience something like a form curve, he wants to see it. On a screen. In black and white. Until that's the case, self-doubt is inevitable.
A Pleasant Final Thought
Back to last week's run with my wife Lisa. I don't know if the chapter "between overconfidence and self-doubt" is really closed for me now that I've achieved my big running goal. It probably hasn't. But what I can say for sure is that I'm in a phase where my emotional range is rather flat. Again, I say this without judgement. And I have my doubts about whether it will always stay that way.
I guess I'm just very happy with where I am in my running life at the moment.
What a nice thought.
Everything Not Running
Every day when I wake up, the first thing I do is read a chapter from Steven Pressfield's latest book, "The Daily Pressfield". It's not really a book, but rather a collection of thoughts and quotes from his previous work, both non-fiction and fiction. Each chapter is only one page long and consists of one inspiring key thought. Sometimes they strike me, sometimes not. But even when they don't, I love reading where Steven Pressfield is coming from, what he's getting at.
Maybe it's the morning ritual or Steven Pressfield's inspiration, but reading my daily chapter of "The Daily Pressfield" makes me want to write immediately.
Steven Pressfield also has a weekly newsletter called Writing Wednesday. In one of his most recent issues, he discusses the question of whom he wrote The Daily Pressfield for, and asks his newsletter subscribers if he is right in defining it as follows:
“I wrote the book for writers and artists (and entrepreneurs and other creative adventurers) who are attempting long-form works, i.e. something like a novel or a startup that will take at least a year and maybe significantly more) and who are essentially ALONE in this enterprise.
What I mean by ‘alone’ is that the venturer is not supported psychologically, emotionally, or financially by any external structure like a company, a school, the military, whatever. In other words, he or she is in their room alone, facing their own Resistance alone, confronting without external support the same issues that I myself confront every day—self-motivation, self-discipline, self-belief, self-reinforcement, self-validation.” (From Writing Wednesday Newsletter, February 14th, 2024)
Yes, he is right.
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exactly my experience. one day I think I can run forever, the next day I doubt if I can do 10 km :)
Totally.